fuzzyxmunky

Wed, 10 May 2006 21:09:58 GMT

So the FINAL countdown is on. 2 days till prom, everything last minute is comming together. I have washed just about everything i own and i have to start to pack for minnesota tonight.

I am SO excited, the grand march dance for prom looks amazing, i pretty much know it.. Gerald knows it well enough for teh both of us. I am SO excited though. Everything I have been waiting for for SO long is within reach. I am getting my nails & toes done tomorrow at 4:30, my hair done friday at like 12. AHHH! can you say exciting? Gerald has been fantastic with my prom craziness. I am so thankful for that too, ive been a little bit nuts lately.

Also i am very nervous about Minnesota. I am starting to get the butterflies and sick to my stomache every time i think about it. 2 days till MN pretty much. So I haven't seen the kid in 5 months & all of a sudden im going to his prom and sharing a hotel with him & my mom.. how.. idk the word. It makes me excited & nervous. ahhh!

It's all SO soon, and it will be over before i even know it :(

Sat, 06 May 2006 14:00:48 GMT

so i haven't updated in a while & i feel like i kinda should right now. Prom is in 6 days. you have NO idea how excited i am lol. I am even happier that me & Tom are not going to prom together. I think taking Gerald to prom is the best decision i have ever made. He even is doing grand march with me and he is good at it, wont make me look stupid. ugh i am SO excited, but then i have to leave Gerald to go to MN & i will miss him liek crazy :( but im still going to Justin's dance and that makes me excited. Justin is taking me out to dinner at some Asian place i believe, even though i don't really like Asian? or maybe i have never tried it lol. I am SO picky :(

in other not so great news, Sarah (my ex bffl) is taking Josh (my ex) to prom. It doesn't botehr me exactly, but it does make me feel kinda bad.. but not because i still care about either of them, its more because they are making this lame attempt to bother me.. or maybe not, but come on, Sarah, i know its hard to find a date, but why does she have to bring my ex? I just can't seem to understand. Ugfh, this is why i will NEVER let my friends get close to my boyfriends, it just doesn't work.

also today is me & Gerald's one monther. :) I know, it's lame but i have known him for years & he has been my best friend for a while so it makes it kind of special. The only reason we are actually getting the chance to date is because of Prom, but i don't really care because he makes me happy & is one of the sweetest boys I know. ugh, i have loved him for months now :)

ok so one last thing, my grandfather is in the hospital. His cancer is back & he is going home soon, but there is nothing they can really do for him. It's really sad and i've been kind of a mess over it. well, i have to go visit him and then Gerald is comming over, i'll write more later.

yup, i ♥ him

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:46:26 GMT

okay so now that my mom knows, theres pretty much no point in lieing or denying it anymore. Clearly my mom found out that me and Gerald have been together for almost a month now, and i couldn't be happier. Honestly, Gerald means a LOT to me and i was stupid for ever denying it in the first place. He treats me better than any guy ever has. I know its stupid, but i hate the way my mom treats me. She treats me like i am 12. I am almost 17, i think i can choose who i can/cannot date. Im not saying just because im with Gerald right now that im going to marry him, because shit happens, im not saying im NOT going to move to MN in a few years, im not saying im NOT ever going to be with Justin, its just thats to far away and i don't want to deal with that right now, because every other time i have thought like that something happens.. so pretty much, im not looking any further into my future than a month away.. plus, its MY choice.. not my moms. She's not the one who has to deal with if he goes to school or not, or if he does drugs, or if he works or not, HE does.. its not even my bussiness, and i don't judge him on that, i judge him on the way he treats me and how he makes me feel, which both are amazing. Im not saying this is my choice forever, but this is my choice for now & my mom should not have a say in it and shouldnt try to prevent it from working because in almost every way, he is much better than any guy i have dated in the past. maybe if my mom opened her eyes and didnt judge him by what she THINKS and starts judging him on the reality, she would like him a LOT more.

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 13:40:55 GMT

so my mom is flipping out about me & Gerald becomming so close. She says she doesnt want me to fall in love with him and that Justin is such a great kid.. yeah such a great kid who fucking lives 16 hours away by driving.. yeah, Justin is awesome and all, and yeah we DO have the future if we ever want to be together, but what about right now? Honestly, Sarah, Kait and Gerald and my sister are pretty much all i have for friends. She doesn't understand & i don't tell her certain things for a REASON, possibly because i could be JOKING? but no, she goes and reads my conversations, reads my myspace, reads my friends myspaces and it sucks because if she needs to know something, i fucking tell her.

Also she doesn't like Gerald and even if i wanted to be with him, she would try ANYTHING she could to prevent it. She doesn't see how happy he actually makes me. he is so sweet to me and it's not even an act like she seems to think. He is genuinely nice to me, he never calls me names (other than loser, but i started that), he would never do anything to ever hurt me. Yeah he smokes weed, but honestly, find me a teenager who hasnt tried it AT LEAST ONCE.. well there are a few exceptions, but the majority of teens have. He has a job & i think he is going back to school. I know me AND Abby have been telling him to. He's not perfect, and im not saying that at all, what im saying is that he is not as bad as she seems to think. Also, I know im not going to end up marrying him, because HS relationships don't last, he's great and all but i DO have higher expectations for myself.. but im pretty sure my mom thinks otherwise... If i had the choice right now eitehr Justin or Gerald and both would work out, i would choose Justin over Gerald, ANY day.. but again, my mom deosnt care about how i feel and who i want to be with and spend my time with.. all she sees are the negatives.. yeah she thought Tom was so great, look how that oen turned out.. sometimes the most "messed up" people, are the nicest & know how to treat people right.. so go suck on that one for a while.

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 14:14:29 GMT

okay so i just read Nikkys LJ & its really freaky. I guess today is the annivisary of the columbine school shootings and she wrote all this stuff about it. It is also 4/20, so its like a holiday in a lot of peoples eyes lol. I for one.. don't understand it. 4/20 is JUST a number.. its like saying 2:12 go smoke weed! honestly, im confused about what exactly is so great about 4/20 and WHY people chose 4/20 out of the billions of numbers out there. what makes 4/20 so special? who decided "hey it's 4/20, every go smoke weed now! kay?" and why did people actually listen to this person? hrm... just something im pondering.. because if your going to smoke weed, why does there have to be a special day dedicated to it? ya know? w/e lol.

In better news, yesterday at six flags was pretty awesome, even though Gerald got sick at the end. We left really late because my sister was getting ready.. for someone who didn't have to shower, braided her hair and put on eye liner and who was up EARLIER than me, i don't completely understand it. I ended up doing my hair, putting on make up, making sure i was wearing a cute outfit and everything, and i was ready in less than 2 hours.. but figure that one out lol.

once we got there i didn't want to go on much because im a huge chicken and don't like heights, speed, or drops, roller coasters.. which eliminates about 90% of the park.. i can go on things that go fast, in circles kinda high.. like the tomahawk lol. well Gerald made fun of me kinda and took me on the "skyway" thingy and we just talked. It was cute I guess. Then we fouind my sister, barbie and he went on a bunch of rides with them while i just sat around lol. We also go pictures taken with these superheros, it was pretty funny, They were walking around the whole park and i took a TON of pictures. there are a few good pictures of me & Gerald that i liked. yeah,the park closed early though because its only the first week its been open.. but everything looks new. it's pretty cool, i do have to admit. Also, they took down the ferris wheel. I really hope they put up a new one.. because thats like the biggest one ive been on..you can see EVERYTHING from it. but now.. it's gone. I can't wait for the water park to open again. *sigh*

so today Gerald is comming over for a bit for grand march practice, im excited cuz i get to see him again lol. duh. and then Kait is comming over later! yay! i haven't hung out with her in like forever lol. so im excited about that.

okay so i really should go sleep for like an hour, im supposed to be getting Gerald in like 2 hours or so and i have to also get ready.. ill update more later.

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 01:22:05 GMT

lala 24 days till prom. Im glad that i am taking Gerald & not Tom. 25 days till MN. YAY!
umm tomorrow is six flags w/ Gerald, my bestest. I can't wait. well im goingto bed, ill update big after six flags.

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 18:30:35 GMT

this really sucks. It seems that the ONLY people who want to actually spend time with me lately are Gerald and Justin, and Justin doesnt even count because he doesnt even live in the same state. I really am starting to feel like shit now because i don't have any real friends.. i mean Gerald is awesome, he wants to spend time with me, he makes me laugh, we have fun together but my parents don't like him.. then Justin is also a really good friend, he makes me laugh and we have silly conversations, but it just sucks SO bad because even if i wanted to see him i can't.. so my two best friends im barely allowed to see.. then theres the girls who I thought i could count on.. one i never even talk to anymore, one has a boyfriend and one.. idfk, she just is to busy for me i guess... i mean we have our share of fun but i just feel like i barely matter to them unless they aren't busy and it sucks. It makes me feel like total shit and makes me feel like the only ones who care are the ones i can't have. I just really wish i had ONE best friend who would drop everything to see me and would try to include me in weekend plans and actually want me there all the time.. not just when it's easiest or when they aren't busy.. idk.. blah..

and now Tom won't even talk to me anymore. I know we are never going to be best friends or anything, but it sucks how he wont see me anymore.. and now this sumemr is going to suck. Justin is visiting Tom from MN and i am probably not going to get to see him. There is NOTHING more i want from lfie right now then to run up to Justin and give him the biggest hug and then just sit and talk to him. It's been 3 months since i met him and idk, i miss him like crazy even though i only spent 2 nights with him and i was going out with Tom at the time. idk he has been there for me a lot.. and idk.

mall time.. peace!

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 17:54:33 GMT

so don't mind my last entry; it got messed up when i posted it or something.

onto better news, only 39 days till i go to visit Justin in Minnesota. i nevr thought i would be so excited to see a guy ive met twice. I am really suprised that my parents are letting me go.. even though my mom is going too. I made the point that he is Tom's friend and his parents know Justins parents and Tom and his family seem to be a pretty good judge of character.. but my mom doesn't care because she has never met Tom's parents before and she has never met Justins parents, or even Justin for that matter... which is weird because my mom knows almost EVERY guys parents that i hang out with.. with the exception of Tom & kevin, but thats just cuz. Anyways; My dad freaked out because i asked to stay until like Tuesday night and my mom can leave sunday or something just so i can spend more time with Justin, but my dad FLIPPED out and said def. not.. w/eeeee.

Yeah, anyways.. Sarah and I are no longer friends again (what a suprise), except for the fact that this time she took it to far. She made fun of my house, my family and me.. which bothers me considering my parents do the best they can and don't have money to buy a huge house, cars for both of them and 2 kids, car insurance and gas for everyone.. not many peoples parents do.. but hers do. yeah.. so she is just a bitch.. and i guess kait is sick of her shit too? the whole thing started when i sent Sarah a text that Kait had sent me about her brotehrs birthday and i wanted to know if she was lieing (Sarah had told me some stuff a few days before) and Kait saw it.. it turned into a HUGE mess and i was PISSED. They both turned against me and it turned into a huge thing of "she said this" and "toni said that".. when it was really the two of them talking bad behind each others backs. idk, i am sick of it and now them being friends is all my fault.. i told Kait that they should stay friends but idk what they are doing.. and personally i don't care. The only thing is, is that Sarah is SO immature, she laughed at me in the hallway today for no reason.. it's kinda funny because i opened my big mouth and "accidentally" told Courtney she refers to her as "Obesity", which made Courtney want to kill her, but i wont stop Courtney because personally it's karma baby: what goes around, comes around :)

on a lighter note.. I saw Tom yesterday and for the first time when i saw him, i didn't care. I was a little disappointed that when he saw me he didn't smile or wave or say hi or anything; but thats to be expected. I really liked him, but he's just not who i thought he was.. I mean, he was.. he's smart, he can be funny, he's an okay kisser.. theres lots of otehr good things about him that i saw; but then i realized.. the only girl that matters to him right now is Zelda (that is if Zelda is even a girl).. and i mean that in the NICEST possible way.. he's just not ready for a girlfriend and well you can't force people to be the way you want them to be... no matter how great you think they are. He got mad at me for what i said a whiel ago in my LJ & i am going to say this : it was mean and im sorry that i hurt your feelings, but sometimes peoples oppinions hurt.. just like when Tom told me that people had expectations of him to go to a good college and earn lots of money, but that can't be said of me... that KILLED me.. because it's not the truth, just because im not going to MIT (which he isn't either) doesn't mean i wont be sucessful...

yeah, im pretty much done ranting for now..

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 02:24:38 GMT

so my mood has been back and forth lately. I don't really know what to think or say anymore. Im always tired, i can't sleep, im always hungry.. im always feeling like shit. im always feeling like shit. My im always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. im always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.im always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im meeting lots of new people; connecting with old friends. I am going to Minnesim always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im meeting lots of new people; connecting with old friends. I am going to Minnesota the day afetr prom, i have a prom dateim always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im meeting lots of new people; connecting with old friends. I am going to Minnesota the day after my prom for Ju i have a prom date. I have my friends im always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im meeting lots of new people; connecting with old friends. I am going to Minnesota the day after my prom for Justin's dance thing, i have a date forim always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im meeting lots of new people; connecting with old friends. I am going to Minnesota the day after my prom for Justin's dance thing, i have a date for my prom. I don't want to be involved with anyone right now yet..im always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im meeting lots of new people; connecting with old friends. I am going to Minnesota the day after my prom for Justin's dance thing, i have a date for my prom. I don't want to be involved with anyone right now yet.. i see all those happy couples and it aggrivates me. I im always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im meeting lots of new people; connecting with old friends. I am going to Minnesota the day after my prom for Justin's dance thing, i have a date for my prom. I don't want to be involved with anyone right now yet.. i see all those happy couples and it aggrivates me. I'm weird i guess? I want to be touched, but not like sim always feeling like shit. My mood should be fine. I decided that I don't want a boyfriend. I really am having fun right now.. im meeting lots of new people; connecting with old friends. I am going to Minnesota the day after my prom for Justin's dance thing, i have a date for my prom. I don't want to be involved with anyone right now yet.. i see all those happy couples and it aggrivates me. I'm weird i guess? I want to be touched, but not like sexually, just hugs and cuddling and that kind of stuff..

okay so my mom found this thing online that is narrated by this guy.. he is a virgin and he is promoting abstinince (sp?) I love this, and i truly believe what he is saying. I've made some mistakes and yeah, im not a virgin anymore, but that doesn't mean i can't stop now. I truly want to wait until i am married now until i have sex again. I have been used in the past and i want to have a healthy marriage and family. I really want to be in love before i have sex again, and if a guy is in love with me and wants sex, and he is truly worth it and loves me he will understand. idk, it's weird.. blaaah. Theres a lot of talk about STD's and it's scary.. a father passed on genital warts to his daughter by kissing her because he gave/recieved oral sex with his wife who had an STD. It's really sad and scary and im not going to put myself through that. wee! I don't ever want to be used again...

kay, i'm done.

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 19:55:06 GMT

Josh is single again.. someone shoot me. I never stopped loving him even after we treated each other like shit... well it was mostly me, and his just reacting to it i guess? Someone should definitely take away my my cell phone before i do something stupid and try to call him or start missing him.. oh wait.. too late.. wtf?? wtf wtf wtf? Im over him, i really am. I've moved on, im done.. but just thinking about him and our past (pre Sophomore year) kills me to no end. He wasn't perfect & neither was i.. but something changed.. i don't want the new Josh.. i want the old one.. the one that no one but me ever saw.. wtf? someone should like slap me across the face and make me realize that i was right for moving on & that he's no good for me like i know.. please.. someone just slap some sence into me..

everything would have been fine if we hadn't got into that fight at Keefe Tech about him comming with me.. bc of his cousins.. ugh.. wtf? someone just shoot me!

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 21:29:01 GMT

Josh, Jacque, Sarah, Dave, Adam and whoever else reads this JUST to write nasty stuff about me should stop. I have my own life, friends and you should really try to get that also. I know that being an 17 almost 18 year old and you can't get a guy your age is really hard and i know that being a giant kid with flaming red hair that had no friends till you met me and a being a psycho, pulling out your hair and not havign anyone there for you till you met me can be really hard, but im done being the baby sitter. seriously go find someone else to bother... maybe someone else that can help?.. oh and Jacque, if i were you i would have cut also.. i mean being fat and having a pig nose and having an abusive ex bf.. jeeze your lfie must be hard.. but im glad your better (well not all of it, just the cutting part.. the rest still needs to be fixed) if you are all that mature, then why the fuck do you still read my LJ? why do you still talk about me? get a grip folks, yesterday would have been 2 years, but it wasn't.. wanna know why? because i didn't want to be with Josh anymore and i thought Sarah was a psycho for a long time, and she proved me right.. so we don't talk.. its my choice, so please if you "hate" me so much.. stop all contact...

on a lighter note.. Prom is getting closer. I am going to both my prom & Justin's dance thingy. Today was the first meeting for Grand March and it looks like we are going to have a really good turn out.. personally i think Prom will suck, but im on the prom commitee so it excites me to see how all the decorations are going to turn out and how the DJ & pictures will be and teh flowers and the crown that we got.. ugh im so excited.. im more excited for Justins though. I am going to visit him in MN and im spending the weekend there... idk i haven't seen him since New Years and he is like my best friend and i miss him like crazy! whoo!! kk im out for now..

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 01:44:14 GMT

Okay Yeah ... Half of these are about me!!! and it doesnt even bother me . To let you know it shows how stupid you are for writting them. and no wonder you don't have any friends to sit with at lunch who would want to sit with a depressed fake like you. Even walking down the hallways when i see you it makes my wanna scream. In one of your other posts it says 4 months no cutting well you should start agian only this time CUT soo deep you actually kill your self!
fuck people who are fake

YOU ARE THE FAKE ONE!!!

wow, how LOW can you fucking get? Honestly, how can you wish death by cutting on someone who has struggled with it for SO fucking long? Honestly, people fucking suck. I have worked harder for what little i have than people who have everything handed to them will ever work. Fuck you whoever wrote that. Honestly, that wasn't about anyone in general and i hate when people think it is. Im not fake, not by any means and yeah, i am depressed, but who cares? I am dealing with my shit, why don't you deal with your own? I've never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone, and i don't know why anyone would say stuff like that about me. w/e, you've gotten enough attention from me. Im done, think what you want, but you're wrong... oh and next time you decide to write shit in MY journal, leave your name unless you're too chicken to do so.. or better yet, tell me to my face.. im strong enough to handle it.. i mean i was strong enough to overcome my addiction, so why dont you overcome yours of being an asshole? kay? kay!

anyways in better news: I am almost positive i am going to Justin's dance. I am very excited because chances are im not going to my prom. Tom pretty much ditched me, and i don't even really feel like going. It's just going to be a bunch of people who don't like me, faking smiles and conversation just to not seem rude, I really want to go, but only if Tom would take me... otherwise it's just not the same.. plus the fact that i can't even find another date... well i could but i don't really want to.. but yeah,i guess my mom is going with me and if we go, it's going to be late thursday and comming home late sunday. I am really looking foward to Justin again. He seems to be the only guy who is willing to stay on the phone with me for like 2 hours and listen to me cry and never gets mad at me. ugh, i just found out that his dance is May 13th, so that means im skipping my prom to go to his.. it's kinda sad, but i think it would be more fun anyways.

im out for now.

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 18:11:48 GMT

so the past week has been a mess itself. I cried a few days in school & i couldn't go to math... school just was like.. le suck.

thursday night Sarah and i decided we would have her, Brett and Mike over so i could meet Mike. It was fun bc Sarah and Brett kept getting eaten by my cats.It was quite amusing to me, and we took some really silly pictures. I actually had a lot of fun & im glad that they came over. Mike ended up comming wicked late, he ended up getting lost and that sucked.

I saw The Hills Have Eyes on friday night. It was the grossest movie i have ever seen, yeah, not even kidding about that one.

last night was fun. I went to Sarahs and then Brian and Dave came over. It was quite fun bc we just watched movies and stuff. we ended up watching saw 2 and i nearly killed Dave bc i got so freaked out even though i have already seen it before.. it was just so awful lol. but yeah.. 2 weekends in a row i saw Sarah and met boys :) and then also on thursday and possibly today we are hanging out again! yay!

so i am also not eating meat anymore. I saw this video where they cut the pigs throat open and the pigs are squealing and moving around and hanging upside down & the baby pigs ears are destroyed and half there teeth are knocked out and sometimes they are even killed. It is just gross.. idk it bothers me. I love animals more than people a lot of times and while im not against meat im against how they get it... ugh.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 01:39:54 GMT

So i enjoy going out to the mall with my friend & then walking over to the movies at like 9:40 and then meeting boys.. i don't know why, but it's fun. haha. Too bad that every guy we happen to meet turns out to be out for sex,is just an asshole or has a gf or just really isn't a guy (we haven't had the last one happen yet & im hoping it never does.) But yeah, boys suck.

how is it that you don't hang out with someone for over a month, you miss them like crazy and you fight then out of nowhere he asks you to hang out & you get all happy and excited because you finally get to hang out with them again.. and it turns out to be a test.. wtf is that? really.. first of all, that doesnt test ANYTHING except how much they really miss you.. and idk, it just bothers me. How can you like someone so much that even looking at another guy feels wrong yet they piss you off SO much? I don't understand it.. not ONE bit. I know school work is important.. but isn't having a life other than school important?
And im sorry but while School concerts & festivals, and boyscouts is great & really good for you and looks fantastic on college apps.. but that doesn't exactly count.. I mean.. to be honest its great that he is doing all that.. but why can't he fit in a movie or having me over to show me that video game he told me he wanted us to play? idk.. i hate school & all that crap.

but yeah, so my "best friends" can't be happy for me. She wont even look me in the face. She's not herself and it pisses me off to no end. Im sorry i was trying to see Tom, who i haven't seen in a month, but i couldn't get ahold of him and by the time i gave up you were already gone and my other friend actually wanted to spend time with me. I hadn't hung out with Sarah in a while, but i actually enjoyed myself. When neither of us are bitching about how stupid boys are we are laughing about how bad Abercrombie smells lol... gosh, i hate her at times but at others i couldn't live without her..

fuck list

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 00:41:20 GMT

fuck ex boyfriends who think they are all that

fuck their new gf's who are twice your weight

fuck the friends who chose a boy over you

fuck people who go talk to people who are not their friends just to piss you off

fuck posers who go to concerts that you can't just so they might see you so they can beat you up

fuck Physics, Chemistry, Spanish and every other school subject

fuck homework that prevents people from having a social life

fuck people who hate you for no reason

fuck people who lie

fuck people who leave you out of shit

fuck people who say one thing and mean another

fuck people who don't think i am good enough

fuck people who have seen me change but don't think i am good enough

fuck all my flaws & things i need to change

fuck all the changes i went through to get to this point, it doesn't matter anyways.. he's never comming back

fuck friends who are never here for you

fuck the "friends" who pretend they will always be there but don't return your texts/IM's/phone calls

fuck lunch where your supposed friends refuse to sit with you anymore

fuck boys who treat your friends like shit

fuck people who have used me

fuck people that will use me in the future

fuck people who are fake

fuck math where no one will even talk to me the same anymore

fuck the school and them "helping" me but not doing shit

fuck my GPA & the grades needed for college.

i am just SO sick of people and things in general. it sucks how my life is turning out.. i have changed SO much, yet i will never be good enough. My friends Suck.. every single one of them.. never have i left them out, ditched them or nto been able to make time for them.. really at this point i just want summer... I am hopefully not going to be in MA much, so all of this shit wont matter & next year i can basically say fuck it, bc i am going to be a senior & MOST of these people i will never see again. I can't stand 99% of AHS, theres only like 2 or 3 people in total from my life right now that i plan on keeping in touch with.. one of them being Tom, bc he is the only one who actually TRIES. He may not be able to give me the world and see me a lot, but at least when he has time, he sees me and talks to me.. unlike most people who "don't know" or lie or dont wanna do anything or can't see me bc their bf is comming over early teh next day. It just sucks how much people suck.. gaah.

kay? bye.

my day off :)

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 02:11:07 GMT

blaah...

So Tom called me up really late last night bc i was upset and needed to talk. It was great because it was a simple thing yet it made me feel a lot better.

I ended up staying home today. I am sick and i didn't feel good plus i was in a crappy mood. There are just days that i don't want to get out of bed and today was one of them. I stayed in bed changed my AM, made mac and cheese and then layed in bed until like 2 or so.. then i finally got up and showered.

I ended up talking to my mom and she made some good points. Tom works very hard and i should be supportive.. which i am for the most part. My mom said i shouldnt worry about how Tom is feeling because in a way he is loyal to me... He gives up as much of his free time as he can to me and it's not like he is off screwing around with other girls so i should be happy... and i am... i shouldn't let what other people say get into my head.. and i am going to try not to.. oh and i am going to be less hard on Tom..

kay? then end.

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 03:31:08 GMT

is it REALLY nessecary for people to use the N word & the C U Next Tuesday word? really.. i don't really get angry when people swear or make fun of people.. but for some reason those two words make me SO mad. A certain girl calls my certain ex-bf the N word.. and it bother me because they are both white.. maybe im just overreacting or whatever.. but really.. It's not like you EVER saw me going up to her and saying "hey Cunt, whats up?".. blah.. idk..

in better news, it's been 4 months since i have cut... and people are probably like "thats it?" but really, if you were ever addicted to something & you give it up.. you know how long 4 months can be. I don't know why i started, or why i stopped... i just did. Thankfully my more visible scars will have healed by prom...THANK GOD! really.. now that i think of it, i was SO stupid. My cat just scratched my leg while he was trying to climb up it and i immediatly was like "oww wtf" and it reminded me of my cutting.. which now that i think of it.. hurt a LOT more than i ever let on. It got to the point where it became addicting, i couldn't go a month, then 2 weeks, then a week, and finally it got so bad that i couldn't get through a day without cutting. I was stupid as fuck to even start.. It was not worth it because all it got me was almost 2 years of therapy (which didn't help much).

I really am beggning to think i am truly depressed. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, i can't sleep at night... I walk around like a zombie, my friends are starting to get sick of my every day random crying.. At times i can't even do my homework, not like i ever could..but it's been getting worse. In study i sit down to do an assignment and i look at a word and i start bawling liek a little kid.. Most of the time i excuse myself and hide in the bathroom.. I try not to let people know & either i am doing an AMAZING job at keeping how i feel to myself or people just don't care.

the only one who seems to know is Justin. I talk to him a lot and i am thankful for him. If it wasn't for him i probably would have started cutting again.. but he always knows what to say... same with Gerald. Tom is the only guy i truly care about.. but he's always too busy... and when we are hanging out i don't want to ruin our fun time by telling him how i feel.. becuase he has enough to worry about and i would rather have fun.. plus I get the feeling he wouldn't care all that much because he has his own stuff to deal with.. which i understand.. but at times, i just wish he would listen to me..

yeah, im wicked tired.. i can't sleep.. i've read 3 boosk in the past 2 days.. ugh. I need to get out of this slump.. maybe seeing Tom on tuesday will help.. maybe not.. I just don't know anymore.

good night.

meh...

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 02:00:34 GMT

"You need to just let Tom go because he never seems to care and always puts you last with everythign and that's not fair. You can find someone so much better who actually SPENDS time with you and has time for you and cares about you.

Yet, I don't think you realize that and I think that you think that you need to be in a relationship to be happy which isn't true. Tom doesn't make you happy but you try to do things to make him happy..why put in the effort when he wont?"

I wish i knew who wrote that. If you can comment on what i say, then the least you can do is leave your name. Im not mad & i just want to know who cares enough to actually read what i have to say.

the truth is, I kinda agree. i should give up on Tom, but it's easier said than done. He does spend time with me & he does the best that he can. I care a lot about him & he does make me happy most of the time. There are just times that i get hard on myself and i get in really bad moods. He really should show he cares, but maybe it's just harder for him bc of the way he was brought up or the way he was treated or maybe its just the way he is. I don't know and i probably never will neither does anyone else but him, so you can't say that he doesn't care or doesn't try to put in the effort.. maybe he just really can't and i understand that. All i know is that i care a lot, almost too much about Tom but i can't do anything about it becase that is just the way i am. And Tom does make me happy, but he also makes me angry too.. just like everyone else. The diffrence is, i can handle Tom & my feelings. Before.. i couldn't. I got obsessive & angry when Josh couldn't see me or didn't call me EXACTLY when he said he would.. but i'm past that. It's not healthy and i realize that. I didn't have my own life when i was with Josh.. but now i do have my own life. I hang out with my own friends, i do more work, I sleep and i read and i play video games and i can handle it. I would never let Tom control me & now i know the warning signs. I do things to make Tom happy, yeah.. isn't that what you are supposed to do when you love someone? it doesn't matter if he does things to make me happy bc just being in the same room as him makes me happy. it's hard and people might not understand.. but it's the truth. I know that there is no future between me and Tom, we are just two totally diffrent people. Right now though, that's okay. I don't care about what happens 5 years from now or even 10 years from now.. well i do, but not like socially.. bc that will be taken care of later. All i care about is my happiness now and the people i know now.. and right now Tom is really special to me. He is diffrent.. he just is and i don't care what it takes as long as he is happy... because he deserves to be happy, probably more than anyone else i know.

I also want to say; I am fine without a boyfriend. I don't need a guy to make me happy. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, I have my mom who I know i can talk to, I have my sister who is one of my best friends, I have a life. I don't need a guy to make me happy.. but why would you judge me? Just because i spend a lot of time with Tom and i care about him a lot and want to see him happy.. why do you think i need a guy? I don't have to spend so much time worrying about him.. but you know what? it's a choice i made. My happiness does not depend on him alone.. yeah, i get upset when we fight or my feelings get hurt.. but I would have the same reaction if it was Courtney instead of Tom. Tom is the first guy in over a year that i have been serious about. Things have changed & no guy has ment as much as Josh.. but Tom comes close.. and not for the obvious reasons.. but bc he was the first guy i have put his feelings into consideration since Josh and that was a HUGE step for me.

but yeah, that was a long response to that little comment. but i felt like it had to be said. People don't always understand me and a lot of times i don't understand myself. I just know that if at the end of the day i am still alive it is a huge sucess. People try SO hard to bring me down and i let things get into my head. If you don't know me that well you might think i am totally insane. But i really am okay... i just live my life a little bit diffrent than most people... To tell you the truth, thats fine. I don't have to agree with what other people think nor do they have to agree with me. That's just the way it is.

so they say...

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 19:15:20 GMT

they say.. lieing is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes... i disagree.. revenge is the most fun. Let's jsat say that Sarah S. is in for a RUDE awakening the minute she walks in her front door.. her moth is in possesion of a copy of the bulleting she sent out. Justic has been served.

nsdfioj df

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 22:23:13 GMT

I love how Tom could pretty much care less about me. He just seems to not care, but maybe he does? I had a rough day & had to go down to the police station and everything.. yet he doesn't ask why and barely talks. I know he has a lot of HW, but c'mon... i thought he cared a lot about me... but i'm not even sure. I wish i knew... wait.. scratch that, i wish he would at least fake it bc that would be easier to handle than

it seems like Justin cares more than he does & he actually listens and asks me questions. It's awful bc i really love Tom, but right now Justin is being here for me than Tom is.. and he lives in Minnesota. blah, i hate feeling like this.

PEOPLE = SHIT

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 02:14:26 GMT

yeah, pretty much enough said with the title. But if you didn't get Josh or Sarah's bulletins on myspace, you might not know what i mean.

it was a stupid bulletin that said copy and paste with the name of the biggest slut you know and what school they go to and what they did. Well both Sarah & Josh posted about me. I have not talked to them in MONTHS. really, no contact from my part. I don't care about the dirty looks from Sarah or her friends, i don't care that they refer to me as "the ugly one". it just doesn't phase me anymore. Im a bigger person than that.. but for them to decide how many people i have slept with & to say that i am just out there to give bj's/hj's... thats going TO far. Im sorry, but that is harassment & could ruin my reputation. It's really no ones bussiness who i sleep with and what i do... and for them to post it just makes me PISSED. It went out to over 500 people, including my friends, sister, my sisters friends, people i go to school with and just whoever decided to read it. It makes me sick to think that people would sink THAT low. I know they dislike me, and that's their choice, but just leave me out of it! move on... gahh.

kay, im done now.

& i want to thank Justin bc he was there for me through this & that means a lot to me... and it lets me know that not everyone believes what they hear and read.

you dont have to read this & this is my oppinions so don't judge me

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 02:42:04 GMT

as many of you know, i am pretty respectful when it comes to what people chose for their sexual preferance... but when i hear what i heard tonight.. it makes me mad.

when a guy is straight.. fine, he is straight. if a guy is gay, fine... he's gay who cares? If a guy is BI, well he should not have both at the same time.. and when a guy is GAY and another guy is bi & has a gf.. that does NOT mean that a gay guy can try to get the guy to sway to the gay side.. understand? it's rude & it's just wrong. Im not going to write a whole lot about this bc i really don't know many details.. but when it involves my sister (who is 13 btw) & her (now ex) bf who is 14 and a perverted gay kid who is 16, it needs to STOP. I understand that people get curious.. but they should not get curious when they are in a relationship.. kay? gosh, it's just NOT right.

Other than that, i absolutely LOVE Justin. he is like not the type of guy you date, he's the type you marry. He may not be Ashton Kutcher in teh looks department, but he is one of the sweetest, funniest most caring guys i know. He is like perfect.. and any girl would be SO lucky to have him, i am lucky to call him one of my best friends. Honestly i feel like he actually gets me. I can talk about Tom wih him and he understands when most people are like "so..." he just knows.. ugh. I wish he would come visit Tom again bc when i hung out with him and Tom at the mall, he was actually fun to hang out with and didnt complain about the hand holding or teh kissing or w/e like most people do.. and he didn't make me feel bad like some of Tom's other friends.. its not that i dont like them, i just feel like they dont like me.. but then again, i always feel like that.

but once again, parents.. suck. end of story. they had a thing about MYSPACE on the news. dude, get over it. a few kids made stupid mistakes by meeting people online or listing their towns or w/e.. but most people are safe. That doesnt mean that parents should go making accounts & stalking kids. My mom does it and it bugs he shit out of me. Along with reading my AIM profile/Away messages along with everyone on my buddy list. Gurantee you she is reading this. It just gets to the point where i am 16 years old, i have had sex, i have smoked pot once, my mom knows, she knows all my friends, i bring EVERY guy home to meet her before i start dating them, I dont drive a car, only a handful of the people i know have cars, i have a cell phone and she is way over protective.. so WHY does she need to go through my myspace and my AIM buddy list and THEN get on my case about not talking to her. Maybe i would start talking to her again if she stopped reading everything and stopped being so nosey and let me tell her.. bc sometimes, there is just stuff out there thats not personal to you, but may be to someone else & parents dont need to know.. ya know?

kay im done.. does anyone agree?

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 01:54:46 GMT

so many people hate it when their parents get involved in their lives & i agree with that.
most of the time i HATE it when my mom reads my convos or looks over my shoulder or gives
me advice.Now this is going to sound very hypocritical, and when i say very, i mean VERY
hypocritical of me... but my mom keeps saying that my sister needs to be more outspoken
and stuff when it comes to Andrew or else they are going to break up or something like
that.. i REALLY wish my mom had said stuff like that to me before Tom broke up with me..
i mean i really didn't want to screw that up, but i kind of did but i didn't realize it
until it was too late & Tom told me himself. If someone had told me what i was doing wrong,
i would have stopped MUCH sooner & never lost Tom at all. gahh. Does that sound hypocritical?

a lot of times i dont know what i do wrong. I just do a lot of stuff that is well, wrong and i
can't always help it. But the only way i learn is if someone tells me and then i fix it. I tend
to be able to change, probably more than anyone. I just want to make people happy & how the hell
am i supposed to know unless peopel tell me? seriously. And most of the time i like to make my own
mistakes, but that doesnt mean i dont listen. I just wish in relationships i understood or my mom
would give me the attention she gives my sister. I mean.. she's 13 and in her first relationship
who cares if she doesnt write "i love you princess Metro" on her myspace. It's not like they are
going to get married.. well they might.. but they are 13 & 15.. how about her otehr daughter that
is going to keep screwing up her chances with every other guy because of her past realtionship..
it jsut makes me feel like shit bc she thinks i can handle it...most of the time i can.. but to
tell you the truth, i pretty much fucked over every future relationship for a kid who doesnt know
how to be a human being.. rawr. I can gurantee that my sister HATES it. She understands that she
is only 13, so she shouldn't HAVE to write all that stuff bc its her first real boyfriend. She
does not need the added stress and she probably could care less if Metro writes "i love you" on
his profile.. bc she KNOWS he does.. they are just words at this point for her..

well im done.. kay? bye.

my rant.. rawr

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 01:32:15 GMT

yeah, im not going to update every day but... these past few days have been.. idk.. hard on me?

Today was a good day.. sort of. Nothing went wrong. I woke up in a bad mood and i was all pissy & even a bit during breakfast. then i was fine when we went to the candy store and when we fed the ducks. Even all through the rest of the day.

then my mood got all depressed-ish. I saw Sarah Scherer's away message. She said she was going to Josh's house. It doesn't bother me that Josh has new friends or a new gf. I don't even miss him. He just was NOT right for me.. what bothers me though.. is he took my best friend. I really dislike her now, but she went through the most tough times of my life and i went through hers. All the times i sat with her for hours on the phone and listened to her cry about how Evan dumped her, i was there when her grandfather died and no one else cared, i was there when people made fun of her because she tore her hair out and she had to ride the short bus.. but none of that means anything to her. She is Josh's best friend now. He would always sit on the phone and yell at me for spending too much time with her, tell me how ugly she was and how i was so much more beautiful than her and how she had lots of problems and how i was an amazing person for putting up with her shit.. and i really was... but that means nothing now. I don't understand it like at all. I trusted Sarah with everything i was and she rejected me for my ex bf... I know that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.. but idk.. it makes me wonder about people.

like.. after me and Tom broke up, Justin started to be there for me. he was the first one i called when Tom dumped me and i talk to him on a daily basis. I know i shouldn't because i dont want to piss Tom off, but Justin is the only one who knows what im talking about when it comes to Tom. He has known him for years so i feel like he understands and it just helps having him.. but if me and Tom stopped being the way we are right now & we hated each other or something, i would not expect Justin to automatically choose me over Tom bc he knew him first.. and that would be like Sarah choosing Josh over me.. it's just not done... well it is.. but it shouldnt. if your a guy it should be dicks over chicks and if your a girl it should be chicks over dicks.. hands down... but i guess thats just not the way it is.

wow, that was very long... so i'm going to be done.. but yeah, that was one hell fo a rant.

oh.. and YAY FOR FINDING OLD FRIENDS THAT YOU HAVENT SEEN OR TALKED TO IN ALMOST 2 YEARS THANKS TO MYSPACE!

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 02:27:01 GMT

today i brought my dress home. Amanda came with me to get it. I came out of the dressing room and i was SO happy, i almost cried. I am actually looking foward to prom.. gahh 3 months. That seems so far yet so close.

Today was a much betetr day, i had a panic attack last night, but since then i have been 100% fine. I was not depressed or sad at all. I actually enjoyed myself. I didn't think of anything negative... like at all. It was amazing. I saw Date movie with Amanda & i am glad that i did. I also went to her house and we have like a billion picture and new jokes.

I kind of feel like i am cheating on Courtney though. Like she is my bff & i had so much fun with Amanda today, the only thing that is bothering me is that i feel like i should not have had that much fun without Courtney. Does that soudn stupid? blaah.. w/e.

im sooo tired, & now im starting to get all depressed so im not going there.. night.